Thursday, April 13, 2017



Film Review by Fiore 

Having laughed my way through episodes six and seven of THE FAST AND FURIOUS series, I entered the press screening with no high expectations of credibility in this action yarn.  Good thing.  THE FATE OF THE FURIOUS, is simply ridiculous.  At least there weren’t any tanks jumping across roadways on a cloverleaf.  But there was the furious crew battling a submarine on Russia’s frozen tundra, while the sub shot torpedoes, which danced nicely on the ice surface.  There were people flying, without benefit of capes, from airplane to airplane.  This could possibly be United’s next platform of customer service.  There was a hilarious body surfing scene involving the driver door of a neon orange Lamborghini through the Arctic Sea.  There was a really enjoyable gun-fu (combination of gun fighting and kung-fu) scene performed by Jason Statham, all the while carrying a baby. You will learn how to make your car a rocket ship with a Coke can (can you say product placement, boys and girls?  I knew you could.)  People are involved in epic crashes, and walk away after “shaking it off”.  Others are shot and stabbed and miraculously heal within minutes.  This must be one of the newer holistic medicine routines.

I am convinced any film rises a notch in entertainment value as soon as Jason Statham is added to the cast.  He has more screen persona and excitement than the other actors, including Dwayne Johnson.  Statham appeared in the teaser clip for Furious 6, and stole the show in Furious 7.  Smartly, Director F. Gary Gray brought him back in THE FATE OF THE FURIOUS.  His fight scenes are the film’s pinnacle, even better than the spectacularly staged car crashes.  His scenes with Johnson are worth the ticket price of this film alone.

Kurt Russell pops in as Mr. Nobody.  He constantly has a broad smile on his face, because he knows, even though the dialogue states the world is on the edge of nuclear war, none of this can be taken seriously.  He is constantly laughing his way through the film.
The same can be said of Tyrese Gibson and Ludacris.  Their sole purpose in THE FATE OF THE FURIOUS is to promulgate the myth of the black man’s sexual prowess.  Johnson can’t tell if he’s playing Hobbs or his character from G.I. JOE.  Oh, wait, I think they’re the same anyway.  In fact, everyone is having a great time with this film, except Vin Diesel.

Diesel parades through this movie as if he is Orson Wells in CITIZEN KANE.  He grimaces, grunts, groans and gnarls as if he’s having a bad bowel movement.  Perhaps he thought these painful facial expressions would allow people to take him as a serious actor.  Well, that’s not happening.  Somewhere in his psyche, I think Diesel feels he augments his sexual appeal if he is always gloomy.  It worked for McQueen, Dean and Brando, but truly they are in a different level of thespian existence.

THE FATE OF THE FURIOUS starts out in Cuba.  Why?  Because former Putz-in-Chief Barrack Hussein Obama recklessly reopened relations with the rogue nation, so this is a way to showcase Cuba as a great place to be, with a culture better than America.  I told you this movie was ridiculous.  Watching the opening ten minutes, you’ll come to realize all the women in Cuba can’t afford underwear.  It doesn’t matter if their butts hang out of their clothes, however, because the all look like Playboy models.  Wow.  Mommas don’t bring your daughters to this movie, or you will have wardrobe problems all through the summer!

While Dom Toretto is living large in a communist dictatorship, a mysterious woman, named Cipher, played by Charlize Theron, shows Dom one little video which causes him to betray America and his family.  Yes, once again, the annoying concept that family is not the traditional family unit we all know and love, but rather any close collection of friends you may have, is fostered in this diatribe as gospel. Just for the record, family is father, mother and children; not your workmates and drinking buddies.

So Toretto goes rogue, stealing EMP and nuclear devises for Cipher so she can rule the world.  Well, at least she’s better looking than Ernst Stavro Blofield.  Naturally, the only people who can bring Dom back to his senses and save the world are the members of the Furious crew.  Ah, but Mr. Nobody has a surprise!  To replace Toretto, he enlists Deckard Shaw (Statham).  Now the team must save the world, and bring Dom back to his senses all in ninety minutes.  Can they do it?  No, they can’t, because THE FATE OF THE FURIOUS goes on for over two hours.  By the time Cipher gives Toretto his third trial, you’ll start squirming in your seat, realizing writer Chris Morgan is just beating a dead horse.

Besides the aforementioned members of the team, Michelle Rodriguez returns as Letty; Nathalie Emmanuel plays Ramsey; Elsa Pataky is Elena and Scott Eastwood plays Eric Reisner, Mr. Nobody’s protégé.  There is also an uncredited cameo appearance by Helen Mirren.



Let’s jump back to screenwriter Chris Morgan for a moment.  There is a plot to THE FATE OF THE FURIOUS, but no one seems concerned with the plot.  It is delivered in short bursts, and relies on Easter eggs from other episodes.  Characters keep showing up at unexpected times from previous films; doesn’t matter if they died or not. In this instance, THE FATE OF THE FURIOUS plays a little like XXX: RETURN OF XANDER CAGE.  I must admit I didn’t remember half of these people.  The Fast and Furious series is celluloid masturbation; once done, forget it.  Yet, there seems to be a theatre sub-culture who clings to these stories and characters as if they were written by Matthew, Mark, Luke and John.  

The majority of the screening audience was black; promotions were run through the local urban radio station.  As a group, these folks not only knew all the past characters, but yelled at the screen with the appropriate response when they appeared.  It must be a cultural thing; but it was quite entertaining.

One thing THE FATE OF THE FURIOUS does is take the record for cars crashed in a single movie.  For decades, that dubious honor went to THE BLUES BROTHERS, with Dan Aykroyd and John Belushi.  This one leaves the guys “on a mission from God” in the dust.  Credit picture car coordinator Dennis McCarthy for the auto carnage.

Behind the camera, many of the techs who brought style to Furious 7 are back, including: Director of Photography Stephen F. Windon, who does an amazing sequence during the prison break with fascinating camera angles; Production Designer Bill Brzeski, who will make you believe a sub can chase high performance vehicles over ice; Editors Christian Wagner and Paul Rubell, who together make the film 45 minutes longer than it should be; and composer Brian Tyler, whose selection for tunes during the end credits is so filled with edited lyrics, you’ll think the audio track is defective.

Let’s take a look at the report card for THE FATE OF THE FURIOUS.  Please remember to add the word ‘schlock’ after each grade:

1.2       ACTING = C


1.4      SOUND/ MUSIC = C

1.5       EDITING = D

1.6      LIGHTING = C

1.7       SCRIPT = D

1.8      SFX = A

1.9      ACTION = A

Just to further demonstrate the ridiculousness of this movie; at one point an EMP is set off, not once, but twice.  We have a fun filled running argument in the family about EMPs.  It’s called the Jeep Theory.  THE FATE OF THE FURIOUS, does that argument one better.  Apparently, EMPs are selective.  They knock out all electrical items, except the cars of the Furious, and the submarine.  Some things work, others don’t; and everything is back and functional in a mere matter of minutes.  This adds more fuel to the Jeep Theory.  Sunday dinner should be epic. 

THE FATE OF THE FURIOUS is a fun movie, especially if you want to laugh out loud and scream at the screen.  If it were any further over the top, it would be a cartoon.  Rumor is, the next one is already in pre-production.

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