BAYWATCH

THE ROCK SINKS

Film Review by Fiore 

Upfront, let me reveal I was never a fan of the TV series BAYWATCH.  In my household, which was, and still is, male dominated, the show was dubbed Boobwatch.  We’d stop and eyeball it during channel surfing if one of the slow-motion boob bouncing scenes were on; but otherwise ignored the show.  Its plots were predictable, and lame.  The acting was worse.  The show offered nothing other than the bouncing attributes of Pam Anderson, Carmen Electra, Erika Eleniak and others.  I wish I could tell you the movie is better, but it’s not.  In fact, it’s more insipid. 

The opening reel held promise.  It was very funny, although quite ribald. For some unknown reason, screenwriters Damian Shannon and Mark Swift opted to shift the story to a pathetic drug cartel tune, and then randomly bounce between the two genres without clout. Further stirring the morass, they mix in trite themes of perseverance and finding one’s true self and the entire mishmash bubbles into a mess.

BAYWATCH stars Dwayne Johnson, Zac Efron, Priyanka Chopra, Alexandra Daddario, Jon Bass, Kelly Rohrbach and Ilfenesh Hadera.  Having their names associated with this debacle will not be notable on a resume.  While the Rock attempts to salvage several scenes, this material is too far gone for even his talents.

The story concerns a group of social misfits, who manage to earn a spot on a lifeguard team.  The team is run by an ex-military psychotic with delusions of grandeur. He envisions the lifeguards as the rulers of the beach, with over-reaching authoritative powers.  Naturally, they uncover a true crime that involves corrupt police and city officials and must prevail over the drug lords and the municipality.  The conflict is superficial, and mindless.

1.1        KEY SCENES TO LOOK FOR:

THE MORGUE

THE TRAPPED PENIS

Let’s take a look at the report card for BAYWATCH :

1.2       ACTING = D

1.3       CINEMATOGRAPHY = D

1.4      SOUND/MUSIC = C

1.5       EDITING = D

1.6      LIGHTING = C

1.7       SCRIPT = F

1.8      SFX = D

1.9      ACTION = C

Not only does BAYWATCH have nothing of value to offer, it does so far too long.  The film lags, repeats gags and wanders for thirty minutes more than it needs to, even for those few who may find value in its offing.

I wish I could tell you something good about this film, but outside of a few laughs, which occur mostly in the film’s beginning, it has nothing to offer.  Johnson should hang his head in shame for taking this project.  Perhaps this is why he encouraged his fans to rip his likeness off of theatre displays and send the selfie to his Instagram page.  If Johnson wants to try his hand at comedy again, he should place a phone call to Kevin Hart.

It didn’t help that the press screening was delayed nearly an hour, due to technical difficulties with the digital download.  There are many films worth the wait, but BAYWATCH is not one of them.  If you buy tickets for this, don’t say I didn’t warn you.  BAYWATCH is better left for Netflix.